Where are the stylish older men? Internet dating - the woman's viewpoint Part 1

Internet dating is now big. But, despite its growth, I've been hearing a lot from woman friends of their disappointment at the poor efforts made by older men when dating. As a representative of the man over forty, I decided to find out more. What is the woman's experience? Where are men going wrong? What advice can be given to the older man looking to date successfully?

It's important that a man, younger or older, makes an effort with appearance when dating (Image Ste Johnson)

This e-mail is typical of the comments I've had from women of forty or more -

At the ripe old age of 44 - and with three small children -  I recently decided to dip my toe into the murky waters of internet dating. 

I was anxious and excited at the same time but there seemed to be a rather depressing recurring theme online. Most of the men I fancied were a good ten years younger than me. They were the ones who stood out from the crowd - presenting themselves with a decent haircut, a smart shirt or cool t-shirt,  some kind of "style" that said they still cared about their appearance. I wasn't specifically looking for someone who worked in fashion, or who was even particularly fashionable, but the men in my age bracket seemed to be stuck in some kind of sartorial rut. 

So I chatted to my other single forty-something friends about it and it seemed to be a common problem. Where are all the stylish single 40-something men? How difficult can it be to purchase a decent pair of straight-leg jeans, a grey or navy t-shirt or sweatshirt and a smart pair of trainers? This is not cutting edge fashion - it's just a smart, simple, casual and classic look that is easy to achieve whether it's from Top Man or Liberty. 

Do men reach a certain age and give up on looking after themselves? I would have thought most single men would be trying to make the most their looks especially as let's face it, with internet dating, you have one chance to make a good first impression and whether you agree with it or not, it's going to be based on your profile photos first and foremost. 

I discussed these matters with Grey Fox contributor, Sarah Gilfillan and she agreed to carry out a survey of women over 40 (contacted through Twitter, Facebook or social contacts) who've tried internet dating. We wanted to see what view they took of the men they met - were they trying hard enough? What could they do better? Is there any advice we can give here on Grey Fox?

'With internet dating you have one chance to make a good impression'

We'll give you the results of the survey, and some advice, later this week. Meanwhile, please let us have your thoughts and experiences, either by commenting below or by e-mailing greyfoxblogATgmailDOTcom.

NOTE: I'd like to thank Ste Johnson for his permission to use the images in this Internet Dating series. To see more of his wonderful work visit his website here.

How one visitor's comments contribute towards a man's search for style in middle age

Since starting this blog I have received many helpful and interesting comments. One of my most frequent contributors has been Fred Gonsowski, whose comments are wise and well-considered. I have learned a lot from him in my search so far for style in middle age. It is helpful to have the advice of others on any journey.

Mr Gonsowski maintains a blog at Fred Gonsowski Garden Home, which he illustrates himself with sketches and collage. He's obviously an artist and a man of great experience and understanding of colour and garden and interior design - please pay him a visit.

Here is how Mr Gonsowski has offered me his thoughts about my progress. Some of the minor detail is based on US tastes and probably doesn't translate to this side of the Atlantic (decorated belts and leather jackets), but the content is pure gold. I agree with the view that an older man should seek slim, modern interpretations of classics - my recent tweed jacket purchase here is just such. I will, as he suggests, try to show more of my experiments here on the blog (a rash promise).

Many thanks, Fred Gonsowski, for commenting with such humour and insight - you add greatly to my enjoyment of maintaining this blog. I have added your comments in full so that they may benefit others who, like me, are on a search for style.

"Fred GonsowskiApr 3, 2012 07:08 PM

Hi there Grey Fox... I looked through your articles, and I read your comment ..A Man's search for style into middle age and beyond. Looking at you, and the things you SEEM to be attracted to, this is MY opinion how you can realize your vision. Take it with a grain of SALT ;-}

First of all the tweed jackets and some of the other things you like say OLD MAN-TRADITIONAL. That is OK, but you don't want to be/look like your father. I think, to the things that attract you, to have a more CURRENT look, you have to mix in modern elements.

Start by going out and buying SLIM CUT-Low Rise jeans in the colors, dark blue, black, gray and brown. That silhouette says modern, and the shape is not that of your father's jeans.

Secondly buy some vertical striped shirts, that have wide stripes, and are colorful. Also buy some BRIGHT colored shirts to add to the stripes. Bright colors suggest YOUTH, and color has a way of reflecting up at a person's face, and makes them look younger. Gray, white, and drabs do nothing for the skin. With those kinds of colors add a BRIGHT color, to counterbalance them.

Third go out and buy some tweed, and other textured vests, to wear with the shirts and jeans. You can also put a Bright-Fun tie with them to make a dressy casual look.

Next think about shoes. To go with what you have, add an ankle high boot in leather, and a desert boot in suede.

After that think accessories. Look for belts, that have big sculptural buckles, some studs, grommets, etc. A knock out belt buckle can give a pop of visual interest to a rather plain outfit. Also think about a cuff bracelet or some other kind of jewelry to put along with your watch, on the same wrist.

You have solid socks, look into stripes, polka dots, etc. Try on different styles of hats.

A leather coat, will also give you a modern look.

When shopping look through clearance racks, etc for fun, but inexpensive additions to your wardrobe. BUY things that are in colors that go with what you already have. Bring/wear clothing that you want to match things to, when shopping. That way you will know if what you want to buy really works.

Finally, go into stores, and try on clothing that you think you would NEVER like. Clothing on the rack will look a lot different from the way it looks on you. Also try on the bold and bright, and odd balled of the fashion world. You and you alone will see how it looks when you try it on, by your self in the dressing room. I have tried on things at GUCCI that looked terrible on the rack, but were wonderful when I put them on. Also the bold and bright, takes a few minutes to get used to.

You know Grey Fox, you could now take all my suggestions, and go out and write and show the world your finds....Have Fun!"

Articles discussing older and middle aged man's style and fashions

Here are a few of the better (and not too serious) newspaper and other articles on style and fashion for middle aged and older men. They are in no particular order; just as I find them. If you know of others please let me know. 

The important thing about fashion in middle age is that we are getting too old to take fashion seriously. Dress for yourself, feel comfortable, and don't listen to the fashion police.

What do I do? I keep an eye on the better blogs for ideas, but try to use them to dress to suit my own personality rather than slavishly following transient fashions. Whatever you do, be careful about trying to relive lost youth by dressing like a teenager. It may work, if you have an extremely sophisticated sense of style, but you run the risk of looking a little sad. It's also unnecessary; we should be proud of our maturity - there are many classic styles ideal for the older man.

Photo The Sartorialist

Can you wear Topman at 67?
An interview in the Guardian with Nicky Haslam and his sense of fashion and style.

Old men dress cool
From one of my favourite bloggers, Style Salvage.

Take That:Style Icons for Older Men
An article in the Guardian. Take That!! Must be some mistake, surely?

Groovy Old Men: The Rise of the Silver Swingers
From the Independent, 'nuff said.

Can Middle-Aged Men Have Long Hair? 
From that excellent blogger, That's Not My Age.

Styles Middle-Aged Men Should Avoid If They Don't Want to Look Old: These Fashions Don't Make Anyone Look Young

Yahoo Voices.

Middle Aged-Men Who Dress Like Teenagers
Style Goes Strong

Newbie Fashion Tips for Grown-up Men
Stepcase Lifehack. This may seem a bit proscriptive, but is worth a read - most of the rules are sensible.

The Almost Shocking World of Older Men's Fashion
In a Grand Fashion reviews advice for older men. The article mentions Grey Fox as follows, "While there are many blogs for young, definitely under forty, I could find only one aimed at older, middle age men.  Grey Fox stresses dressing for one’s self instead of  for the latest fashion trend".

Why do men over 50 dress like tramps?
Mail Online. For personal reasons I avoid the Daily Mail. The standard of journalism is appallingly, with damaging and hurtful articles published with no proper research or regard for the truth. However, this is an unusually (for the Mail) sensible analysis and it is recommended reading.

Men stop caring about clothes at 37
Apparently the conclusion of a survey, apparently based on a survey, but I'm a bit suspicious about this one - it may be a dubious publicity stunt. Reported in the Daily Mail here and the Guardian here. Despite my doubts,  there is probably a degree of accuracy in these reports.

Fashion Tips for the Older Man
From the Belfast Telegraph - some interesting and useful comments about older men dressing well and not so well.

How to be a Middle-aged Man
The Financial Times looks at middle age. Only partly about style, but nicely written (in 2007, so a bit dated - talks about Facebook, but not Twitter).

Medallion Man is Back - The Rise and Rise of Middle-Aged Vanity
From the Independent - not too bad, in parts. I agree with the warning that '...dignity is in danger of being jettisoned in the rush to drink at the fountains of eternal youth, or at least the rush to the hair dye kit, which is the next best thing'.

The humble Mamil: why we need 'middle-aged men in Lycra'
The Guardian. A nice defence of the MAMIL (middle-aged men in Lycra) by one of my favourite cycling writers, Matt Seaton.

Why do fathers insist on dressing like their teenage sons?
Do they? In my experience it's often the other way round (crisp shirts, chinos and brogues) - and that's confirmed by the picture illustrating the article which shows Tom Cruise and his son. Sydney Morning Herald.

The Sartorial Geniuses aged 60 plus
From The Telegraph - with wise words from blogger Tony Ton of jakandjil.com.

At the age of 37, you needn't start dressing like J*r*my Cl*rks*n
From The Guardian, a newspaper that I doubt Clarkson has ever read.

Skateboarding Past a Midlife Crisis
From the New York Times. Be careful, though; your bones have become more brittle as you get older.

Has your man just bought a new bike? Looks like he's having a mid-life crisis
From The Mail Online. The content doesn't really reflect the headline - but then the Mail is looking for sensational headlines, not interesting content.

Jeremy Paxman in tweeds is typical of the affliction that grips men in middle age
Hadley Freeman in the Guardian discusses older men's style. All about men reaching an age where they want to try something new. Some vestiges of truth here; maybe.

Why men over 40 are fashion disasters
From the Mail Online. The writer is mocked by his family for his dress sense. He suggests a few ideas, but this article is rather inconclusive, as I feel he doesn't really find a solution. He should find inspiration for his own style, grasp the nettle and confidently forge his own path. Not a happy outcome to this one.

How to dress well after 50
British GQ. Sensible with some interesting discussion; but nothing new.

Guys don't be a fashion disaster
Chicago Tribune.

Men should ditch low-slung jeans and embrace middle-age
Well, I agree. The Telegraph.

Middle-aged men and their sad self-regard
The Independent. Sadly close to the bone; but then all ages are guilty of self-indulgence, not just older men.

Baseball caps, backpacks and an unlimited supply of flannel shirts: How middle-aged Silicon Valley CEOs compete with their twenty-something rivals

From the Mail Online - given that it's the Mail, it's a surprisingly good read (assuming it's not all made up). It reports, for example, how, 'One tech CEO admitted that he probably wouldn't be in his job if he had not shaved his grey hair and swopped brogues for sneakers to blend in.'

Fifty shades of silver fox: Blog celebrating stylish middle-aged men takes internet by storm

From the Mail Online again. About a blog called Grey Fox started by a middle-aged man looking for style. Seems unlikely to me!

Dad dancing may be the result of evolution, scientists claim

Funny and unfortunately probably true. The Telegraph.

What's a man to wear when his pecs turn to 'soft peaks'?

Speak for yourself! From The Guardian.

Dressing your age - 40s
Dressing your age - 50s
Posts on Fashionbeans - I don't agree with everything here, but basically sensible advice.

Marc Jacobs at 50
Showing that there's hope for us all in changing our lifestyles and getting fit. From Mail Online.

Male celebrities with grey hair
In case you find comfort in the thought that even they are getting older. From sofeminine.co.uk.

I want to feel like a new man
Guardian columnist has a makeover (apparently paid for by Hennessy - some makeover!)

The obsessive jean
A middle-aged man gets used to the idea of still wearing jeans. From the FT's How to Spend It.

The Vintage Years: is the fashion world starting to respect the middle-aged market?

More about the women's fashion market, but much is applicable to us chaps. From the Guardian.

Are You Too Old For Your Outfit? From Details magazine, by Katherine Wheelock. How to avoid age-inappropriate looks.

How I Became a Fashion Don't A lovely response to the above Details magazine article. Simon Doonan describes Katherine Wheelock as 'some kind of conservative anti-flamboyance watchdog for the colostomy-bag brigade'. Brilliant.

Dressing Up is a Sign of Vitality New York Times. Ari Seth Cohen, of the Advanced Style Blog, comments on the Wheelock and Doonan articles above.

Fashion Tips for the Older Man Belfast Telegraph. Hmm.

Why older men are more stylish than young men A nice piece in The Telegraph, October 2014.

Men's style dilemma: Am I too old to wear this? This Telegraph piece makes some good points and concludes, correctly in my view, that the question is, 'Does this suit me?', not, 'Am I too old for this?'

Men become invisible at 39: Now they know how women feel. Again, from The Telegraph. Reports the conclusions of a survey, but then, as the man said, there's lies, damn lies and surveys.

Is it OK for men not to care about fashion?  The Telegraph (I'm impressed how this newspaper writes about age and style so much). Confuses fashion and style, doesn't add much to the discussion.

What makes certain men more stylish? The Telegraph. A thoughtful piece by David Gandy which comes to the same conclusion as I have in my writing. As I say in my comments at the top of this post, style is about dressing to suit your personality, not following trends. Recommended reading.

Stylish older men prove age is no barrier for fashion Executive Style. This is what we need more of: a round-up of older men interested in style.

How to Dress you Age - Forties British GQ. Good, emphasises style rather than fashion and highlights fit.

How to Dress your Age - Fifties British GQ. Good stuff, based on advice not to give up and again emphasising the importance of fit.

How to Dress your Age - Sixties and Beyond British GQ. Based on the inaccurate (I think, anyway) assumption that most men over 60 want to look younger, but this doesn't affect what is essentially good advice.

20 Things No Man over 40 Should Wear Daily Telegraph. I don't like writing that tells a man what he should and shouldn't wear. We may make suggestions and give our opinion, but not presume to tell others what to do. This verges on that approach. However, I agree with much of it!

Is it time Johnny Depp ditched the leather? The items of clothing men over 40 should NEVER wear - including hoodies, baseball caps and skinny jeans Mail Online. Much of the same really, but purporting to be the results of a survey. Most telling is the finding that 40% of men laugh off adverse comments about their style.

Never Too Old - A New Attitude to Men's Fashion - Fashion Capital. A PhD researcher sees older men as fashion pioneers. Seems right to me.

Tom Hanks is redefining dad style - Not a bad article at all. Some sound advice from US GQ.

And see my own scribblings on this blog, for example on middle aged men and jeans.

Photo Tommy Ton - GQ

My favourite shoes - Loake Chester brogues

Nearly ten years ago I badly damaged my right foot in a cycling accident (yes, another one). For a long while I thought I would no longer be able to wear my favourite shoes - brogues. I tried a few pairs of mid-priced brogues, but none were comfortable. Eventually I tried a pair of Loake Chester brogues. What attracted me to them was that they are made here in the UK, unlike many other leading brand (and pricey) brogues which are made elsewhere (India for example). The Loakes have turned out to be supremely comfortable, due partly to the supple leather of the tan calf uppers. They are beginning to acquire that patina of age that the best shoes show after a year or more's wear.

See Loake for more information.

Photo Grey Fox

Photo Grey Fox

Men dressing well - just relax

One thing I'm learning in my search for style in middle age is that if you feel self-conscious in your clothes you won't look relaxed and, as a result, will not look well-dressed. See what I mean here? The artificially posed "I know you're looking at my suit and hair" look.

Relax man!

Below we have examples of  the natural well-dressed look - Steve McQueen,  relaxed, at home in his clothes and self confident. I make no apology for also showing pictures of Prince Charles; look how at home he is in his clothes, even in the ultimate formality and discomfort of military uniform; that's true style (although maybe a minus point for the unbuttoned double-breasted jacket?)

Dress for your personality. Look for classic clothes you feel comfortable in, don't feel you have to dress as a peacock if you don't want to.

Patina and style - clothes, like people, can improve with age

I've grumbled before about the artificial ageing of objects like furniture and clothes and gave distressed jeans as an example. There was a point a few years ago when the more expensive the jeans, the more holes, scuff marks and stains they came with when new. Other sartorial mistakes include, in my view, pre-aged brogues and waxed jackets.

Distressed models and jeans!

Distressed jacket

A "pre-aged" shoe 

I love objects which have a patina of age, it represents a working history in which each blemish has a history and significance. However, buying a new item which has been artificially processed to make it look old and well-used smacks, to me, of dishonesty - of a sham or pretence.

In a throwaway society I can understand why people are under pressure to buy that patina of age, but the real thing is impossible to reproduce - so why not take the sustainable option of wearing your clothes out yourself, you will probably find they improve with age. Try buying an undistressed pair of jeans and wear them to destruction, they'll look great. Alternatively buy vintage clothes, with the patina already naturally and honestly created for you.

It's a shame we don't respect that patina of age in people as well.

Here are some objects showing an honest patina of age.

Vintage Irvin flying jacket

Photo The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

The older man - the secrets of dressing well

In my post of 23rd January in which I commented on The Sartorial Geniuses - aged 60 plus I showed a picture of the colourful gentleman illustrating the Telegraph article. 

It isn't necessary to go to these extremes of colour and style to be a stylish dresser.  To illustrate this, here are some shots showing the confident and unselfconscious use of more muted classic styles by older men.

I suggest that they succeed because they are dressing for themselves and not to follow latest fashions. Years of doing this has given them a confidence which is clear from their attitude and bearing. Compare these to the sometimes uncomfortable-looking younger men snapped wearing the height of fashion at the recent events in Milan and Paris and you'll see what I mean (I don't show any of those below). Is it possible that they, in their race to follow catwalk fashions, have forgotten the importance of expressing one's own individuality when dressing well? 

Let me know what you think.

The Sartorialist

Photo The Italian Cut (I think)

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

Middle-aged man buys vintage tweed suit shock

I've been wanting a tweed suit for a while and last year got as far as visiting a local tailor to discuss being measured for one. It didn't happen, but idly browsing eBay one day I noticed one in my size, or thereabouts. A modest bid secured it and it turned out to be in excellent condition.

It's an oatmeal Harris Tweed suit of, I would guess, sixties or seventies vintage from the cut and label. It doesn't seem to have been worn much, although the material is so robust it would probably take several years of continuous wear before it showed any signs of use! The jacket is waisted with wide lapels.

A few alterations were needed, jacket shortened and shoulders taken in, trousers slightly altered and turn-ups fitted. I bought some new leather buttons as some were missing. One day I'll post a picture of Grey Fox wearing it.

A vintage man bag - a 1944 "Satchel Signal"

By "vintage man bag" I mean that the bag is vintage, not the man!

I'm laid up with a fractured knee following a cycling accident and using crutches means that I need a bag to hang around my neck to carry book, newspapers, phone etc. around the house. I have to thank my assistant for helping me get this post online.

What better than my vintage military "Satchel Signal - ZA 6282", bought at a cycle jumble a few years ago. I suspect it was used by motorbike messengers during the war. Maybe something for Nigel Cabourn to reproduce?

P.S. Having written the above I Googled "Satchel Signal" and, would you believe it, found a mine of information. Is there anything somebody DOESN'T collect? Apparently it would have been usually used for headsets for radios. Here's a link if you want to know more.

Suits to die for video - classics for older and younger men

I make no apologies for showing another excellent Mr Porter video. The two checked suits (the brown tweed and Prince of Wales) at the beginning and end of the video are stunning examples of the classic tailoring that is ideal for the older man seeking stylish clothes. See how they are matched with the shirts and ties and worn with quality shoes - great stuff!

Interesting touches - another video from Mr Porter

The perils of cycling on frosty roads early in the morning hit me hard on Monday when my bike went right as I went left on an icy roundabout and I fractured my left patella.

I'm not comfortable sitting at the laptop for too long, so will take the easy way out and post one of Mr Porter's excellent videos. I'm a great fan of Sir Paul Smith, as an older man of style and a keen cyclist he gets my vote on two counts - see if you can spot the cycling touches on his person and in his office (no prizes, it's not hard).

I posted another Mr Porter video a some days ago - have a look at that as well and see their excellent website.

A hat - a must for the older man

I was interested to see from GQ magazine's photos of this year's Pitti Uomo (see my post of 14th January) how many men were wearing hats similar to the trilby which I bought in Dorset a couple of weeks ago. I doubt that the fashion world is rushing to emulate my purchase and assume that I have unwittingly hit a trend at the right moment.

But I realise now that a hat has many advantages as a man thins on top. The warmth is welcome on a cold day and the brim's shadow hides many a blemish.

Anyway, here is Grey Fox walking the dog and wearing a brown rabbit fur trilby (full story of the hat here). Jacket is Ralph Lauren, brogues Loake Chester 2, English tweed scarf and (ancient) jeans both from Marks and Spencers (can we mention them in fashion blogs?).  Below are pictures courtesy of Tommy Ton and GQ.

Pitti Uomo GQ video - style inspiration for the older man

A little over a year ago I began to wonder what middle-age had to offer me as a man in terms of fashion and style. Was I really heading for a life of grey Velcro strap shoes, non-iron shirts and nylon jumpers?

Idly I Googled and found a few fashion sites and blogs. Of these, The Sartorialist stood out and it was his photographs of men of my age at something called Pitti Uomo that gave me ideas of how I could begin to search for a style of my own. Men of all ages can look well-dressed; youth offers no great advantages as the GQ video, linked below, of this year's Pitti Uomo illustrates so well.

The Sartorialist - Pitti Uomo

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

 I'm still don't know much about Pitti Uomo, although it's obviously a show where fashion designers and retailers show their wares. I know little about this side of fashion. My possibly inaccurate view of this world is of one where everyone has to look devastatingly gorgeous and where models have starve themselves to find work, so what's refreshing about The Sartorialist's photos and those on the GQ slide show is that they show people who are not models and are therefore relatively normal-looking but stylishly-dressed. This means that it is easier to see how clothes affect their style, something not easy on the sterile and unrealistic backdrop of a professional model.

Here is a link to GQ's excellent slide show of this year's Pitti Uomo, just finished. It's interesting how classical many of the styles are, or maybe laymen like me just assume wrongly that fashion people all wear wild and wacky styles. The more classical the style the more it suits an older man (in my view).

Tommy Ton's Street Style: Pitti Uomo Style: GQ.com

Above and below are some of The Sartorialist's pictures that had me thinking a year or so ago -